caught up with an old boyf tonight for dinner and to check out his new place. it was good. really good to see that he's doing really well with himself and has himself well together.
but then, there's the whole reason why we split, bubbling away below the surface, and I started feeling the hurt and the anger about the way it made me feel. made me question whether I was worthy of being treated well, of being respected, of having the freedom to be myself and to look after another person. and I started questioning why I was being treated that way and why I hadn't received better because I, like everyone else, deserves better.
all this occurred to me while I was driving home. and I was listening to Third Day's Offering album, which came up on my iPod earlier that day and had me intrigued again. I love King of Glory, the way the song builds and the heavenly choir kicks in. the first time I heard it laid an impression of heaven in my mind, and it still does now. and I realised; Jesus is my relentless lover who will always treat me as I deserve. I am his precious bride who he pursues daily and died for. and who came to life from the dead to conquer death so that I may join in on that heavenly choir. so yeah, I am worth so much more than what I have received so far. because no matter how I am treated by others, my Saviour will always pursue me. I am loved.
(ok, so the video clip for this is a little corny, but the song is great)
Tuesday 26 April 2011
Monday 18 April 2011
She's the Man
I just watched She's the Man. I loved it. I love most movies sweet and fluffy. :D
Amanda Bynes is just funny and adorable. And Channing Tatum... 'nough said.
It got me thinking. Anything which sticks in my head does. And so I wonder why it struck a chord with me.
I'm waiting to discover my man. For this wonderful person to come out of no where and imprint himself in my life, on my heart. Because God has promised me that is what is going to happen in this next year. And I'm waiting, for the most part patiently, for this to happen. And I trust God that it will, because just like the rainbow, I have been promised. So exciting!!
Amanda Bynes is just funny and adorable. And Channing Tatum... 'nough said.
It got me thinking. Anything which sticks in my head does. And so I wonder why it struck a chord with me.
I'm waiting to discover my man. For this wonderful person to come out of no where and imprint himself in my life, on my heart. Because God has promised me that is what is going to happen in this next year. And I'm waiting, for the most part patiently, for this to happen. And I trust God that it will, because just like the rainbow, I have been promised. So exciting!!
Monday 24 January 2011
I have Foot in Mouth Disease
It's true. It occurs when I open my mouth and something crazy pops out. It's not pretty. It has got me into a lot of holes I just can't dig myself out of.
It's more likely to occur when I'm nervous. Out of my comfort zone. Around people I don't know very well. It usually starts with me blurting out something which in my head sounds normal, until I realise, after I've spat it out, that actually that was quite rude. And then I try to dig myself out of that little hole, and dig it far far deeper. It's really not pretty.
The reason I bring this up is because my little brother got married on the weekend. And I've hardly met my sister-in-law's close family, let alone the whole she-bang (as in my family and my brothers friends covered five tables, her family and family friends covered the other 12. Not exaggerating.)
So, with all of these strangers around, the added pressure of dressing up (my mother may have made a comment about how I tend to severely under-dress for special occasions. She kindly didn't mention that I also tend to resort to the quirkier side of fashion, which very few people understand. :(
But you know, I went, I was calm (I love my cousins!), and so far, I only made one tiny sneeze in my disease. And, I was very proud of myself. It was a good feeling.
But it got me thinking to the last time I had this kind of social anxiety. I was all dressed up, looking pretty darn stunning, with a boy, who had just mentioned 'oh yeah, didn't I tell you mum's coming.' Uh oh. I get really bad FiMD around his mum. Either that or she chooses to take everything I say wrong. Looking back, I think it's a bit of both. So yeah, panic stations. (Can you hear the klaxon alarms?? I can).
Anyway, short version, that was the last occasion we saw each other. Every thing I said (and what I wore) just created such a big hole, that I got home and cried. Actually, once the show finished, instead of going out for dinner, we went back to my car, and from there I cried all the way home.
After this wedding, which went off so well, I've come to a conclusion about the difference. At the wedding, my cousins knew how i felt, and they were encouraging. With my ex, in that instance (and, I realise, many other occasions with him) I felt neither safe nor supported nor encouraged. I felt nervous and scared. and of course, I got a really bad case of FiMD. And I realise, that's why we never worked in social occasions - we were both waiting for me to make some kind of faux pas.
Conclusion? Dear cousins, thankyou so much for knowing my tendancy to FiMD and just being there as a positive support. I know you guys think you did absolutely nothing, but to me, it was everything I needed. I thank God for that.
It's more likely to occur when I'm nervous. Out of my comfort zone. Around people I don't know very well. It usually starts with me blurting out something which in my head sounds normal, until I realise, after I've spat it out, that actually that was quite rude. And then I try to dig myself out of that little hole, and dig it far far deeper. It's really not pretty.
The reason I bring this up is because my little brother got married on the weekend. And I've hardly met my sister-in-law's close family, let alone the whole she-bang (as in my family and my brothers friends covered five tables, her family and family friends covered the other 12. Not exaggerating.)
So, with all of these strangers around, the added pressure of dressing up (my mother may have made a comment about how I tend to severely under-dress for special occasions. She kindly didn't mention that I also tend to resort to the quirkier side of fashion, which very few people understand. :(
But you know, I went, I was calm (I love my cousins!), and so far, I only made one tiny sneeze in my disease. And, I was very proud of myself. It was a good feeling.
But it got me thinking to the last time I had this kind of social anxiety. I was all dressed up, looking pretty darn stunning, with a boy, who had just mentioned 'oh yeah, didn't I tell you mum's coming.' Uh oh. I get really bad FiMD around his mum. Either that or she chooses to take everything I say wrong. Looking back, I think it's a bit of both. So yeah, panic stations. (Can you hear the klaxon alarms?? I can).
Anyway, short version, that was the last occasion we saw each other. Every thing I said (and what I wore) just created such a big hole, that I got home and cried. Actually, once the show finished, instead of going out for dinner, we went back to my car, and from there I cried all the way home.
After this wedding, which went off so well, I've come to a conclusion about the difference. At the wedding, my cousins knew how i felt, and they were encouraging. With my ex, in that instance (and, I realise, many other occasions with him) I felt neither safe nor supported nor encouraged. I felt nervous and scared. and of course, I got a really bad case of FiMD. And I realise, that's why we never worked in social occasions - we were both waiting for me to make some kind of faux pas.
Conclusion? Dear cousins, thankyou so much for knowing my tendancy to FiMD and just being there as a positive support. I know you guys think you did absolutely nothing, but to me, it was everything I needed. I thank God for that.
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